Smile it will make people wonder what's happened

I agree that everything happenes for a reason, everything has a reason behind it, and where would we be without the choices we have made. I feel that we all make the right choices and are led by God in making them and these choices whether they be good or bad, they are a lesson. Mistakes are experience, but why a mistake? Surly we chose to do something for a reason and it just flopped and went wronge? I think people have different oppinions on everything and this is just mine 'Everything has a reason behind it' - in my life I can see now looking back and in the present the meanings. Although often we can't see it a bit of contemplation you may be able to. It's an acceptance of we are what we are.

I've made some harsh dicisions in my life but they have all come to something possitive in the end, i've learnt from them, im a stonger person, there is more depth and understanding to me now, to the life I lead.

Do we always need to show confidence in yourself? I've tended lately at college to always wear a smile, but im wearing it, it doesnt mean I mean it, inside I feel completly different but in a lot of cituations first impressions count. If you have gloomy face surly someone will say something and I dont have the inner confidence to respond. But with a smile you can cheer someone up, and pass the confruntation from those who notice, afterall there is a saying that goes 'shout and everyone can here you, whisper and those close can here you, say nothing and only your friends can here you' of course I am taking this metaohorically - you dont need to show your emotion or feelings, those you can trust and love can recognise without any indication when all is not well.

When I get emotional either over happy or sad I can find contentment in the things I have - my family, and who said family has to be related?

Remember me

I miss Pru more than ever now, I frind myself constantly talking about her and always thinking about her and what she would be doing now.
When I was suffering from my poroblem and Harry and Pru were alive, everymorning when I left the house I had to say 'bye Harry, love you... Bye Pru, love you'. This would put my over active mind at rest untill I came home each night. By doing this it kept them safe, death could not touch them, nothing could harm them. They would not get upset or miss me for I kept them safe from these few words. I realise now that they are both gone and my words can not effect them. I love them dearly and anyone who knows me knows that. My walls of my room are full of pictures of them. I may be obsessive about them, but that's who I am.
To tell the truth I idolise them. A idol is someone or something you put before God and how can I not. I love them with all me heart, I would die for them - although I know they would never want that of me. I think God knows that I put them before him, and i know that this is wronge. Maybe God wanted me to see and so thats why they are both gone, but even after death I idolise them. I could not posiably image them not being the biggest part of me.

Talent

In the meeting place, which is a place for christians to meet every Friday lunch time at school. We were talking about talents. We were all asked to discuss what we thought our talents were. Listening around the rooms I caould here people expressing 'I'm good at singing... dancing...football...attractive.' At this moment I was talking to the leader of the group and sort of blurted out, as I do, that I think we all have a talent, that we are all special in the eyes of God. That my talent was being me, and my personality.' I had to repeat this to the group with in a way made me nervous but them I was just stating my oppinion and so didnt mind. Faces sort of lit up as to say 'oh yeah, i never thought about that'.

If you think about it though what makes a talent in the sense of being a good singer... It's being better than other people, and so we need other people to succeed and therefor we work together with other people.

Where to go next

I think I am a bit of a organisation freak. I'm in the first term of lower sixth and am already trying to frind what university to attend in 2 years. I know exactly what i want to do with my life, and the way I intend to go about doing it, what course I want to do.

I have always wanted to know what I am doing whether it be in the next 2 minutes, or the next week or the naxt year. I like to have a scendual.

I've been concentrating of finding a university that I can attend. I searched from London to Scotland, and am still looking. All the universitys I have looked at, the courses all have something wronge. I though of maybe doing a straight acting course at Rada or Lamda or the guildhall but then I'm not sure if that is for me - let lone getting a place.

Well I'm still on the search, but when I find what I want to do, I'll know.

out and about

There is somthing... special, about getting ready and going out at night, it is enjoyable. I have more fun looking forward and getting ready to go out than I do when Im actually out.

However there are occasions. Like this one, I was so exited meeting my friends finding out there plans for the new academic year and seeing how they did in their GCSE's that I didnt really care about getting ready. I just wanted to be with my friends.

This was the last time I was with the year. We all went to Frankie and Benny's on the night we recived our GCSE's, wmotions were flowing high, not because of what marks we got but because for the whole summer we had not seen each other, it was so exiting.

I love the feeling of being pretty, when you get dressed up, put make-up on, do your hair, I feel pretty, that no one in the world can put me down.

I use to get dressed up at least once a week when I was about 14 to go to the local youth group... get drunk... walk in town in tiny clothes - typical of me at that time. So it became not special. I wore make-up contantly and so people bagan to know that face, I could not do anything more special. But now it's all different, I like to think i've matured.

I do miss going out, like I said that was the last time, in the summer. All my new friends at college don't go out at night, so nor do I. They are great people though and I prefer to be friends with them than with the people who do go out getting drunk, drugs... (I don't think those people like me anyway, im to different 'odd' to them).

lets go

Running up and down the stairs, get a quick drink in before you leave the house, a quick kiss from Spex, well maybe a few and your out of the house on you way, ready for whatever lies ahead in that day. Whos knows? Isnt that exiting? that you never know what may happen.

Everything is so busy and hetic. And I love it, everything is to a scendual, get up - when im awoken by 'MIIIILLLLL, need to get up', out the door when the clock crows, on the bus - 8.10, get to school 8.30, lessons, 9.00. Everything is a scendual, that I stick to. One move wronge and it can turn the whole day upside down, and that can be a domino effect on the rest of the week.

In my scendual I have Wednesday afternoons free, to myself (and Spex) where I can do what I want,mostly homework. But today I decided to pop to the chip shop for lunch, then fell asleep on the minascual sofa untill I awoke up cold and realiseing that my mouth was leaking (slobber patch). I didnt have a scedual this afternoon, and in a way that felt good, I was not expected to do anything and pople didnt expect anything of me. I am free to do what I wish. The main thing I love about these afternoons thought is the time I can spend with Spex, just watching her run, have a cuddle, and see how she appriciates the attension. She fills the afternoons with love.

I like having my life on a rota, knowing what I am doing the next day, but also having the freesdom for a occasional rest.

HIGH

I am on such a big high at the moment, that it feels that nothing will or could bring me down. Everything is settling down and I think I am actually beginning to find where I belong and how I find in the world.

Yes, many not so good things have happened in my life, but these are the things that make me the person I am molding into. Every sad time and every happy time has a effect upon the person I am. Everyday I am evolving and every experience is a lesson in some way.

I now have a group of friends, only a few friends, but friends never the less. People are finally starting to get to know me. Know my capabilitys, my habbits, my humor, thing that I allow them to. Some people just know my name, but at least they know that, what a start. The other day I was walking through the corridor and a person said 'that's that Emily girl', and I don't know what they meant by that but It gave me a smile that people actually recognised me, wether it be from the bus or drama, it brought a smile to my cheeks.

It is not just at school I am starting to feel accepted, it is in my home town, people recognise me and recognise them. I have the most amazing neighbours I could wish for across the road.

I could not wish for anything else.

xxx

Trapped

On the telly at the momet is a program on people in prison with mental problems.

It shows their everyday lifes, what it consits of and how people are treated and how they recover from a variety of problems.

It really got me thinking about myself and my own state of mind earlier this year and last year.

It was not untill more than half a year after seeing a pysciatrist that I was actually diagnosed with ocd. They had for all this time passed it off as depression.

When I was at my worst with ocd, I was really bad and looking back upon it gives me determination not to let myself deteriate to that level of thinking again. Of couse like most things it is easier said than done. I can see myself struggling with this battle for years to come.

This illness is so much more complex and confussing in many aspects for anyone to understand.

If I had not had the support and love I had through my bad times from familys and friends I think that I may be in the peoples position that I watching on the telly, not in prison but in mental institution. I was uncontrolable and resulted to many ways of releasing my anger and relaxing myself.

Anyone who has suffered from depression will know how frustrating it is that no matter how much you try or any one else trys you can not be content, you are always drained and somethimes feel very emotional or have no emotion what so ever. You never know what will happen apart from knowing that the days lying ahead of you are full of unbearable sadness. I had ocd on top of these already outlined feelings.

There were some moments throught everything that I really thought that I would be put into a institution, that there was no help out for me.

Seeing these people on TV, is actually reliefing in the way that I can relate to their feeling and emotions. Most aspects I can understand. There is a person who thinks he is the light of the earth, and I understand where he is coming from. I understand everything they are expressing.

Im glad that when I experienced all what they are now I had help on hand, guidence and support. What is there for them? Life must be so unbearable

Bonds

There is something about sisterhood that bonds you together, and no matter how you try to repell you can't.

I have a 20 year old sister who is at uni and has recently got ingaged. I have not seen her properly in more that 2 years, ever since she left for Uni. Before she went we were ever so close, she would cook my food, walk me to school, do everything a mum should do. A few years before that we use to hate each other with a passion most of the time, well that is how I use to feel about her, but minutes later we would be closer than ever again. I use to kick her and she use to pick me up by the neck. We would spit at her and call each other names, licking out tongues, everything.

It was not until a few years ago that everything changed, we still had the occasional fall out but nothing came between me and my sister. I think one of the main changing points was my sister being a mother figue in a way. However just as that occured she bacame very ill, she suffered and may still be suffering from anorexia and bulimia, im not sure which one any more. I know that she would hate to see this as she denys everything to her family, doesnt let anyone close to her about it and wont allow any help from us. I think she was reluctant to accept it herself.

Everything suddenly changed from that moment.

I remember sitting downstairs and listening to her in the bathroom throwing up, it would make my mum angry and that was what upset me, my mums anger. Afterwards she would go to our bedroom, she looked so drained. Mum had a boyfriend then, I can't remember his name as there have been so many. But one day I came across something my sister had written down, it made me really upset to read it, she was wishing that mum would pay some attension to her and help her out rather than being self consumed in whatever boyfriend she had. I really felt for my sister. I should of told her how pretty she was on the inside and how it doesnt matter about the outside.

She use to be a size 16 so you can image, but she was happy, I should of complimeted her now and again... but i didnt, instead I told her that she was fat and a boy. She use to wear baggy clothes... I was only in junior school at this point though

As I grew up the comments did settle, but I was vile. I can't stop thinking that part of it was down to me.

I can't remember when she was normal size, she went from being this big sister to this tiny fragile girl in the period of a night. She is a bit like me everything is to the extream.

Now although her illness has come between us, and in each others presence none of us dears mention a word about anything along those lines. We have such a stronge bond.

Although my sister is so beutiful, and has changed her life around, which I am in the process of doing. I can not help but think 'is she happy?' I know that her boyfriend makes her happy and I am so greatful that she has found someone who see's her inner beuty. But she never put the weight back on. Is she still struggling along. It has been 5 years now. To me she still looks this fragile little girl who needs a hug, but when you hug her boned stick out. I love her no matter what, no matter she looks like. Besides for me it is a bit like looking in a mirror. I do love her so and admire everything about her. I don't want her to struggle.

Whenever it comes to clothes or anything she always gives me her old colthes that she doesnt wear any more, and they are rather tight. She always says that I am a skinny milly and tiny and thin... that in a way makes me feel bad, Im not to sure as to why, in a way I feel guilty as I can eat as much as anyone and be this tiny person. But somethimes when I look at her, I see me, her hair... certain things and she is the same size as me, looks skinnier thought and is a lot prettier, but we, in my eyes are so simular. We have a outer and inner bond, that will not be demolished. No one will no longer pull us apart from one another.

Outside and beyond

I awoke this morning to come down the stairs and find a 'BIG CAT' as I think she now see's herself now.

When she was a few weeks old we brought her a little collor, at that time though it was massive and dragged on the floor under her.

Today was the first time it fitted her, she looked so grown up. Gill had decided to put Pru's barrol on it (keeps the address in), although it was empty she thought Spex may like it close to her to remind her of her mum.

I sat on the stairs in my jarmers, greasy hair and with a hidious face. Spex climed the beam and clambered onto my knee as if to say 'Look at me, Im a big girl' which she certainly seemed to be.

Somehow in the space of night she had changed, grown up. It brought a tear to my eye, as I was happy for her. Although where had her little innocence gone? She has grown so fast. I was so proud of her.

As a joint decision we decided that she could go and play outside. We were sure that she would not go near the road as it terrifies her, she doesnt go past the brick wall in the frount garden. (lucky).

Seeing her run up and down the garden, up the tree and down again on the shead and off it, there was no place in the garden near the house she has not seen. She was so happy, as if she had been working up for this moment for her whole life. She is a open spirit.

Pru was the same when she went out, it was amazing to see and from that moment we could see that you could not hold her back. She wanted to part of the world.

Spex is so much like her mum in many ways and I dont intend to keep that part locked away in the fear of death. Pru died doing what she loves doing, being free.

I do have worries on Spex's behalf however Spex is more alert when it comes to roads. Take her to the top of the road and she shakes with fright.

She is now weary and sleeping it all off in her igglu bed, still walking around the house when ever she wakes up showing us who is in charge. Showing that she is a 'big girl'

Life carrys on, there is no rewind

Speaking on msn to my friends from St Doms who the majority have also gone to differnt places, a variety of colleges around the area. I don't have any contact with them apart from msn and facebook which is a bit sad but I am determined for us all to meet up and go out for tea.
I was asking them all about college and how they were finding it and have they made friends with people. One of my friends who is attending Stafford college told me that she loved it. She had made so many new friends from college, and is always going out with them. She had already fallen out with people and got more friends from it.
My best friend also is loving it, made a lot of friends, been to house partys... (I went to one but didnt enjoy)
So what is going wrong with me? I have made a few friends, only one special friend which is really nice. Everyone else egnors me. I spend each break and lunch with the same people which is nice, these two boys with ginger hair really funny. We play chess all the time, we are like the rejects in a way. They don't seem to mind at all. But I do. Is it because I don't dress correctly and don't ware makeup so people think I am ugly and so don't bother to talk to me. I know that I don't have a boring personality and so if they only gave me chance they would see that I am beutiful on the inside. The outside appearence does not matter, they all seem to think so though.

I miss my friends who accepted me for who I was. Why can't others do so?

Companionship

Since Pru died, I have felt so lonely. Not much has influenced me to cheer up. She was my friend as well as my baby. She would comfort me and listen and even wash me now and again when I was dirty.

She is now with Harry though and that makes me happy for her and him, that they are together and waiting for me.

Although I still feel a bit lonely, I have her baby Spex. It wasnt until I came back from Wales that I realised how much attension she needs, she hates being on her own, loves visiters and the more attension the better according to her. Every day that i'm in the house on my own she wont leave me alone, if im on the laptop she is as well.

I had a bath this morning, well not early, I was about to jump in when I saw Suse with Kitty on a walk, so whatever time that was. I left the door open for Spex as usual, she sat on the side of the bath all the time until she decided to get off and chase her wet tail that had dangled in. I love Spex for who she is, this golden coloured tubby thing sitting on my knee at the moment watching me type words about her, and occasionaly contributing to the discussion.

I know that people think it's really odd how attached I get to a 'cat' as they see it. How they are my family and how much I love them. I noticed though that i'm not the only one, Suse loved Paws so much as well. Paws - a gorgeous big but little boy. Who has snow white long hair with a sprinkling of gray on the tips. She and Andy love him so much. He goes to cat school and cat church which so i am told is a place that Spex attends and is a first year. I shall ask Spex about how she enjoys it when she wakes up off my knee. I have never meet someone who undestands the attachment that I have with my babies and now Spex.

Inspiration...?

There are so many people we inspire to be.
There are three people in my life that inspire me compleatly.
In theatre studies the other day we were asked to draw a family tree. Not a real related family tree. We drew a tree with a single small apple in the middle.
On the outside of the tree we were asked to write down ten names of people that mean a lot to me. I chose ten, all for differnt reasons.
Inside the tree we had to narrow those names to five of the people who were influentaul. All the people I chose had influenced me in life for very differnt reasons. I will write them down becaue Like Suse said about her self I am a open book and don't mind.

Gill who helped me get better and to look after me over the last year. She really rescued me
Mrs Adamson who encouraged me through my school years and helped me show myself what I was capable of.
Suse who was there for me where I needed to someone, and is a great friend.
Tammy who is amazing has given me so many reasons to live for, so many words of encouragment and has helped me sort my life out when I just wanted to give in.
Ella who words cannot describe how (if you look up good in the theasaurus, she means them all to me). She has been through so much and I love her so much. She means the world to me, I would not be here without her. ( Im glad im here).

We then had to choose the two people we loved the most. I chose Gill and Ella, I have my reasons and I love them for complatly different reasons.
It was not until earlier today that I thought what bout God. Is he not inspirational to me? Why did his name not come to me when I was doing this exercise? He does so much for us all the time, his love is unconditional. Maybe I did not think of him because he is not a physical person. I am really don't know how I missed him out. God is my ultimate inspiration, I think. He inspires us to live, shows us that there is a heaven. But then people do as well. Ella did for me and she is not God. I don't think my intelegence has progressed enough for me to work out in my mind why I do and also do not inspire towards God.

Love

This afternoon, I had a bit of a downer after having a rather enjoyable morning with my dad and Gill in Nantwich in the rain. I spent all afternoon in bed looking at the wall stright infront of my eyes as I streared intregenly at the pictures I had earlier that week put on. There are two images of baby Pru, one straight after she had her kittens and one a few weeks later. Tears flooded to my eyes filling me with a deeper sorrow then I have felt before in my life. I don't know if my thoughts are beong selfish but now that she has gone I have no one, yeh I do have Spex, but if say a person close to you died, no one can replace there. Spex can not replace Pru. I stayed strearing untill I dropped of to sleep and the same when I awoke.

It was only when my nan coming over for dinner knocked on my door, comented on the layout of my room and how wonderful it was, looking at a little singing rocking horse teddy that she had got me when I was no more that a todler (played the same song as the toy I got Kitty).

That she sat on my bed and I just uncovered the covers tucked over my face that I sat up and weeped that I missed Pru. Suddenly a great weight lifted and I felt contented. I have my bible that I was presented when I left junior school by my bed and on top of that a 'Daily light for your daily path' book that Dad and Gill had brounght me from Chester. My nan being the only other religious person in my family read me the day today and I turned to the day that Pru died and read her it, it mentioned death what a coninsidence. I also turned and read the day of my birthday and that mentioned birth. It felt so lovely my nan reading to me something that meant so much to me, and me reading to her.

Now I look at those pictures on the wall with sheer delight and appriciation for the happiness Pru has bought me over the time she has had on earth.

Where it all begins

This was the first bible I ever had in my life, I can remember a exact moment in my life when I lifed with my mum, I was about 7 or 8 and in my bed one night, I asked my mum to come in when I was snuggled in, so I could read her the first few pages on my bible.

If I can remember correctly I think it went something like this (I have not seen this book for about 10 years). It told you to think of the world with nothing in, close your eyes. There were no creatures, no day, no night...

I have always remebered this book, the storys it presents. The images and thoughts it makes me feel.

This book was my firt proper book, and I loved it so. I can remeber that my Nan brought it for me and on the first page she wrote me a little message in what I think was red wax, although im not sure about the wax, that is how it look's in my mind.

One day I scribbled it out, in a way now that I am older I regret it, but for somereason I am glad, you can still see it though and for me it makes it more personal.

I think, well I hope that one day I will be able to hunt this book out and I will read it's storys again and again.

Build up...

I need to scream, I need to shout, but more than anything I need a hug and a cry.

I am going for so long without a rest, just a simple relax where I can cry and say about how I am actually feeling inside.

On the outside I seem this happy, laughing girl, enjoying the world she is in, not wanting the day to end. Loving every moment that God gives to me. In a way I am, but not happy, not settled with the way things are.

I ofen let things pile on top of me, seeming as I don't care, that it does'nt matter. Like i'm ivisable. but i'm not, I am here, I am a person and am interesting, don't egnor me.

I don't know how it is, but for a few weeks now I can feel everything adding to the pile of things trying to drag me under the sea.

I think it is more to with school, it is only when I am back that people do treat me as if I am a person and matter.

I don't want to be egnored. I do count. Why can't people see that?

At college I can feel everything building up and I think 'just one more thing and ...' but one more thing happens and I prevent my self from responding, i'm not going to lose my temper, im not going to respond in the way I want to.

I walk anywhere at school and no one notices you, not even the people in my forms or classes. Everybody pushes past me. On the stairs everyone pushes me, no one leaves the door open or says thankyou. You are compleatly shut out. I am not allowed in their world at all . They don't care about little me trying to find my way around, only a few friends, looked at as if im a freaky geek.

I don't even matter in lessons. I try so so hard to do my best, all my homework is done, I concentrate because I want to make something of myself. Yet whatever work we are set to do on our own there is a girl who sits by me and copies everything word by word, doesnt do any homework, just copys what I do word by word. Highlighting is no differnt, word by word the same as mine. I make notes while he is talking on my sheets to help me when I come to need infomation later and they are the same notes in the same places. I understand that she is dyslexic and I know how it feels (not that bad actually, I never minded.) She is always asking me to do this and that for her, but I can't say no, I can't egnor her. I can't do anything at all. I just want to scream. I want to let my anger lose. I want to cry!

Same on the bus, people kicking me, fiddling with my hoods, pushing me out the way, stearming at me. What the hell is wronge with me? I wish someone would just tell me.

At home instead of letting these feelings out and asking for a hug, I just keep myself busy. It's only when I sit down that I realise that I am going to pop, it's just a matter of time. Some little obsesions started coming back today - stress starts it off, but I know if I carry on being stressed they will get worse and worse again.

I can't even explain how I feeling. I don't know how.

Maybe it will just pass without letting of steam. Maybe

Pru and her babies

Happiness

A few mounths ago I went on a surch for happiness, whatever I thought happiness was. i didnt know and that was the main reason I went on this surch.

Was happiness in the way that you left people feeling after you had been with them. Happiness in the way you lived your life and felt inside? I still am not sure. I would go into the garden and think about the word happiness, talking to God, asking him for his knoledge. I think that I wanted to have a lesson on how to be happy again, how to get my past happiness and contentment back.

Sitting in the garden, just me, my thought and God, all interacting together. I could hear the wind and everywhere I looked it opened new questions in to my head waiting to be considered and answered.

To my left stands a pear tree that bores succleant fruit each year. I looked at this tree, and in this case used it as a symbol for other trees. Although each tree is different and soecial with it's own talent to offer God. Just like humans. I am still not sure what mine is, although I know that in someway God will let me know.

This tree is so special to God. It can express it's happiness, it is able to grow by it's self, offer fruit, take care of it's self, even from a sappling.

Around that time I learnt that a tree can become stressed, it is called epicormic growth, they sprout from the ground. This is how they show stress, it usually happens when they have been cut to show their stress. They do this sprouting because they are worried that they will die.

I think we can compear a trees way of expresing it's self to that of human. We have ways to show stress and ways to show happiness, just like a tree. We are all God's.

This did not answer my question. I saw that everything around me was able to express happiness. Why? I brought old books on the matter and still did not find what I was looking for. But what was I looking for? Maybe reinsurace that the way I feel was acceptable and that although I could not find happiness at this moment, that maybe I was not meant to be happy, I was meant to feel how it is to be unhappy? to make me a stonger more understanding person. A follower of God. All followers of Jesus had to suffer in some form. If not physically, mentaly. Was this my suffering, God knew how much yearned to be happy and so this was a sufficiant way to suffer? I am still not sure.

I don't think you can have a lesson in happiness, but God and yourself build on it in a relationship, like building a wall with God, progressing through different stages and at the end you will realise what true happiness is, and that wall that you built is so stronge that you will neve forget, and nothing can destory it.

Mistakes

Something made me think again today, it has been on my mind everytime I read a prey, especially at church.

Whenever we prey at church (which is every week) we always ask forgivness for our sins. Surly if we are asking for forgivness we are wanting to start a fresh, try not to sin. But every week we ask for forgivness, surly if we are asking for it this often then is is a normal occurance and we are not trying to make amense in the days to come.

Are we always sinning in this case? Can we not change at all and not sin? Or are we all trying to make up for the original sin? Then surly what must we do in order to be forgiven for sin?

The end.

While just sitting on the human litter tray I was talking to little Spex. Dad had by accident closed the door of the loundry room locking her in, she was not a happy kitty cat. She crys when she is lonely, she loves having people around and being hugged and pampered. She has been so lonely since little Pru has gone to Harry. Crying her head off untill someone comes and hugs her. So in the human litter box I was talking to her, I didnt realise I said it but it just came out 'if you ever feel lonely just think about God, he will comfort you, and made it possible for you to be here.'

I believe in this, when I am lonely I do often think about God and how when we die we will go to heaven and be with him and our family - a family doesnt have to be related.

It made me think though, what do people who are not chritians believe will happen to them when they die. Everything that I believe or does happen to you when you die is to me related to God. I belive that our human remains (I think our spirt leaves the body the moment of death.) will deterriate back to the earth and become a rich soil, I believe this happens because we were made from the ground by God.

So what do none christians belive? I really don't know the answer.

Oh and Dadis now comforting Spex, she is lying in his arms on her back puring . - he loves her.

Conflict

On the school bus this morning. The worst thing of each day is having to get on that bus, it's over packed, screaming children, stemed up with a smell of chewing gum ( I hate that smell). Today I placed my salf further back than normal to come actoss what I later forund out to be years 9's sitting down and three little year 7's standing in front - half the size of me. I was not sure what all the conflict as about, apart from these little year 7's trying to stick up for themselfs.
The year 9 boys being their peers and sending rude, unacceptable comments at these little lads. They were acting 'big' - such a unatractive feture, swearning, using dreadful imagry. One even said that he would kick the little lads when they got off.
I was just standing there seeing these unsteady little ones, not knowing what to say, not baing able to move out the way, they seemed so innocent, they should not be exposed to this - that was my though, all the atmosphere at this school is more than eboungh to turn these innocent year 7's to what to me I see the langauage they all use as discusting.
I decided that I could not just stand there and let it go on, so I tapped the little boy on the sholder and told him that they were being the immature ones not them. I felt so sorry for these little boys, probely because It like could see what they were going to turn out like.
I know that if you go through a school like this the majority of people will by the end of year 11 be these bad languaged, bad attitude people. The year 7's start the year so innocent but by the end of the year have changed in order to fit their surroundings. There are some people though it stick it throung being themselfs not letting anything change them and then at the end of high school are really respectable people. I know a girl like this Ceri, my friend. I respect her so much, it can't of been the easiest thing going through high school with the majority of people around you being compleatly different to yourself, not fitting in. I have never been to a public school before, so this is my first experience of observing the behavior and attitudes of those in high school. And I thank God so much that I naver had to go through that experience. I have such a hugh respect for the poeple who have done and have ended up like they have, like Ceri for example.

Home

We had the carpets fitted the other day, and today we have had the funiture. It seems so homely. I was in my prime doing the fire. I have always liked building and working with fires. I know exactly what I am doing and throughly enjoy the time. I can spend hours sitting and watching the flames. When I was younger, we use to have a fire everyother weekend when I went to my Dad's.

I would set up a tent - my home. Get sauspans. Eggs and tomatoes were my favorit thing to cook. Iwould create my own world, imagine a family and play. Sometimes I was the mum, others a sister. i would build a fire and fry food, place it on plastic plates and serve it to my pretned family. I would make nettle soup out of nettles and water. Prented drinks - it all use to end on the floor in the mud ( that was the intension, it was not edable). I always played games by myself. Made homes... I use to pretend my quadbike was a car and park it up in my pretend drive. I would spend hours in my fantasy, and i though it was real all the way through.

I loved the idea of a family that I made. It would be simple. But as the weeks went on the story lines would become more imagnitive. I really wonder what my dad thought when he saw me?

My sister only being 3 years older never went through the same motion I had. I would have loads of dolls and push chairs. I have always yearned for a child and a life like the one that I made. It was home.

People have so many different expectations of a home. There are peoples who's home is in a corner of a aley, I can also see why thay call that home. To there it is a place of safeness and comfort.

My home was whereever I could escape from the world I lived in. I have now though found the place I call home, in a cosy room, lit by firelight and my dad and Gill. Holding the thought that God is watching over looking after Harry and Pru. To me that is home, and there is no where I long to be more.

Rethink over life

After reading Suse's blog the other day, she wrote a letter to herself, giving advise for her earlier self.

I though this would be a good idea, and although I am young, I would love to tell myself old self infomation on the life that she is about to lead.

Dea Em,

Your life will not be a pubble of sweet dreams all the way throung, You are going to face a great deal of difficulties and hardships well before you get to the age of understanding.

You are now about 5 years old, living with both mum and dad, REMEMBER try your best to remember these happy times, the times you go on walks, the time when you have your first bike. The time you spend as a family. Things will not stay like that for long, the peoples life aroung you shatters to pieces and you don't understand, you will never understand fully. Dad leaves, he doesnt leave because he doesnt want to be with, he loves you. Don't cry when he comes and gets his stuff, smile and never let him go. Tell him you want to go where he goes, you don't ever want to leave his side. TELL HIM, he needs to know.

As time passes you get a a bit older but still don't understand, you are tossed from house to house with mum's different boyfeiends... stick with Char, don't leave her, trust her, she will look after you. Do all you can to be a child through these times, you won't get another chance.

Your a lot older now, Char is taking care of you, buying food for you, appriciate it, where would you be with her, one day you will find out.

Mum doesnt love you quite as much as she says, take care off yourself, egnor her malipitive ways, the things she does will shape your whole life unless you make it stop.

Char will go to Uni, just about, she is almost to ill but she will go, make her go, it will help her. Although you are left, yes things do get worse, but when she finely does through you out, don't blame yourself, she was the one who made you ill. Yes you will get ill, want to kill yourself, stop eating, but someone will rescue you, someone you once though would never, she will be your hero, and her sister. Let them help, they understand. They will in the end be the reason why you get better. But don't go back to mum, else it will all get worse again, DON'T.

But live with dad and Gill, everything will then sort itself out and you can start a new life. But never forget those people that saved you.

This life will be full of joys, meeting the right people, people who care. Let the emotion flow, pepole understand.

But in order to start this good life, i am sorry you have to go through the bad life as well. But it will improve, you will find your feet and will be happy. Don't give up on life, you have a wonderful future, and after that you have a even better future to aim for.

Good luck.

Art?

Surrealism

I have always appriciated the talent that people pocess for art, although have never really admired art. I admire drama and the acting skills that people pocess, script writers, directors...

Art has never really caught my attension, when I was at school I would dred going on art trips.

It was not untill I came upon a artist called Salvador Dali that it really opened my eyes.

To me his work is fascinating, absalutly spectacular and something I envy to the extream.

There are so many different interpritations of all hiw work. This piece is called 'Dream caused by the flight of a bee around a pomegranate, one second before awakening'.

As a 'actor' (my passion.hee hee) this gives such good inspiration for surreal drama pieces.

I envy Salvador Dali mainly beacuse he can express himself in the way I yern to. He can get across his thoughts in the way he wants to present them.

This is how I think and see the world, I interprit the world in this way, i just can't express it the same way.

I express my thought like his through drama, surreal drama is a challenge when you are working with others who don't neccessary have the same view or interpritation.

Do you see any resembelance? hee hee:)

Replenishment

It's in the 'valleys' of your life that you can drink from God's sweetest streams. It's during this period when he restors your soal.

This is a saying that I have just come across, but believe that it is true in some areas of life. But in others I am not to sure.

It is no secret that I went through a time a depression, I am not ashamed of it as it is something that happend and is now in the past. I have ended up a stronger person (I think).

There is the story 'footprints' where also it exclaims that in the worst parts of your life that God is there for you, helping you get throungh it.

I was 'ill' for quite a while, and it seemed to me that God was not there, if he was then why did I not feel the guidence that he has had upon me for all my life?

However as the phrase said that it is in these sad times that your soal is restored. Maybe my soal did get restored and that is why I am a stronger person, with stronger believs. I think that that time in my life has made me what I am today.

Remember

Remember

Remember me when I am gone away,

Gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand,

Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day

You tell me of our future that you planned:

Only remember me; you understand

It will be late to counsel then or prey.

Yet if you should forget me for a while

And afterwards remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,

Better by far that you should forget and be smile

Than that you should remember and be sad.

Christian Rossetti

Ever since I read this poem for the first time it has had a extound effect on me and the way I think about the life I am leading. For me this poem is beutiful and intreaging.
I don't think there will be any other poem that i read in my life time that will have the same impact as this one has on me.
I first read this poem one night a year or so ago snuggled tight in bed, I have always admired poems and everyone I read I analyse. This night I borroed my mum's book and sat going througheach poem it contained. When I got to this one it imideatly had a impact on me after the first reading. It would give a glow to my face and make me smile inside.
Over the years I have gained a excelent memory for remembering words. Especially monologues and poems (this is mostly due to my old drama teacher who use to try and nail the words into my head) but recently the more poetry I read the more I remember the words. So remembering the poem was no proble to me. I would always recite the poem in my head.
Then one day some one brought me the book, it is rather worn now, at at the moment I have leant it to my friend on with the authority that she brings it back and reads it carfully.

There is something that connects me to this poem. Especially the last two lines.

Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Do you not see these lines as a comfort.
For me this poem means that once you have lost a loved one, don't be worried about forgetting about them, they will always be there in your heart. That they would prefer that you would forget and with that be happy. Than that you constantly remember the person, for you your life will not continue but by remembering them this way you will be lonely.

I relate this to my baby Pru and Harry. I relate to it that much that I follow these words as if they were written down in the bible, because I believe that this is the way they would want me to be. I certainly know that if I died that I woul perfer my little ones to be happy, even if they forget me.
I am going to remember them and be happy. If a tear falls from my face it is happiness for the life they have been given and how they will always be in my heart.

I admit that it is not untill I have written this poem here that I have noticed the autor 'Christina Rossetti'. I do not know anything about her. However seeing that she wrote the poem really surprised me. In all honesty I though that a man had written it for the reason that I though that he would of written it to his wife when he was at war to hand to her in case of his death. I have been proven wronge.

I will recite this poem untill my dying day, just as i have done for Pru from when she was born to her death.

When the world around you shatters

Most day's I wonder intently what life would of been like with out my babies. MY babies. I love them both so much that I can not even think of a word that explains my love for them. If someone looked into my heart then that is the only reason that you can tell.

They are my family and living without them is like living in a empty cave in the middle of the desert - hard and unbarably lonely.

I don't mind admitting that I am lonely. As I am very much so. I have always had a need to love and be loved, I would buy presents and little cards just to express how much a person meant to me. Lately I have hardly had any one to do that to. When I was ay school I had a best friend who I would do so to, also a mum and my babies. I have none now. My mum doesnt want me and my babies are with God together, and my friend... I'm not sure.

I have a lust for life, I grow plants and vegetables as I love the feeling of bringing life into the world and giving them the chance.

I had Pru when I was ill last June, she was a Persian as needed a lot of care and attension and I wanted to give her that care and attension. I wanted to protect her from the world and spend all my time with her, making sure that the sun would always shine for her. She had a older brother who took imaculate care of her and loved her to pieces. She would follow him around and sleep in his arms, eat once he had finished. She looked up to him.

I know that then they were the only reasons that I wanted to carry on living, when Harry died, it felt that it was the right time, that he had compleated him work on earth, he had looked after both Pru and myself.

Pru died the other week and for a moment my heart stopped. 'how was I meant to carry on?' 'what have I got to live for'. Yet from her death a new door has opened. I met a wonderful person on that day that I didnt know excited in what seemed at the time to be a wicked world. I have only been so thankful on two other occassions for what has come out of a bad situation. This being the third. She is a blessing from God. She has made my loss so much more easier to cope with.

chid into a adult?

When is it clasified that you are adult? I once thought that it was age. That once you were 17/18 you were then treated as a adult. A adult being someone who is fully able to be a independent person.

Someone may be biologically an adult, and have adult behavioral characteristics but still be treated as a child.

Conversely one may legally be an adult but possess none of the maturity and responsibility that define adult character.

I am often confussed whether or not I am a adult. Yes I may be only 17 and so am not legally classed as a adult. But there are many things I can do now that I could not a few years ago. I may not have the adult charactoristics for example the defined features. (I still fit into childrens clothes). However in side of me I do feel like a 'adult'. My family treat me as a adult, and i have many other charactoristics that make me adult like.

The question that is puzzeling me at the moment though, is what defines a person as a adult?

There are many children in the world who are responsable at a very young age, have to lead the role as mother or father and have all the duties that come with being a 'adult'. Earning your keep, looking after your family, respecting others... These people are leagally classed as 'children' yet act as adults. 'Adulthood' also works the other way round. legally class adults, may contain all the charactoristics of a child. Not earning their keep, needing guildence on how to life life...

So in my thoughs their are two different sets of adults. those who are legally adults, and those who have adults behavior charictoristics.

However if you are classed as a adult, then surly a lot is expected of you, when inside you still feel as though your 14. Being a adult doesnt mean that your have to be compleatly responsable all the time, however you should know your limits. I know in my family my dad and Gill are reponsable adults but yet can still mess around and have laughs yet they do know when it is appropiate to 'stop'. - carm down.

Are all miracles necessary?

I have seriously been thinking since todays lunch time. we have the 'meeting place' which is a religious gathering for chritians every lunch time.

Today we briefly talked about a passage in the bible when Jesus walked on water over to his disciples on the boat, they thought that he was a ghost at first.

It made me think of why did he walk on water. What was the reason for this? It does not say in the bible why he did, for example walk on water? This was a miracle, but it did not make any serious life changing effect for people. Or did it? Did his disciples need the prove to believe in Jesus and all they have heard about him proven. If this is the case then why? we as christians don't need the prove that Jesus performs miracles.

However this was not the only time that Jesus performed miracles in the presence of his disciples, so there have been many experiences where the diciples have seen first hand that Jesus can perfom miracles.

This is not the only question that comes to mind from the story though. If Jesus is able to perform miracles like this (walking on water) which I don't at all dowt he can't. This to me seems such a pointless miracle with no effect of any significance - apart from maybe getting disciples to believe that he is the 'son of God'. If he can do miracles for this reason, then why did he not heal or make more peoples lives affected by miracles. He did perform miracles for good causes (blind bartimaus) that affected this certian person, but surly at this time there would be some christians whov did believe in him but for some reason could not present thiemselfs to jesus, or for some reason did not want to ask? He has the power to perform miracles.

Surly there would be more people like 'Mob'?

I do understand that he can not heal everyone! But for some reason this certain miracle seems some what poinless. however I do undertand that we do not know the full story, there might be a important reason for this miracle.

'Everything will be alright in the end, if it's not alright then it's not the end'

Is this true?

I have often sat during the day and wondered if this is possible.
Is death the end? if so then it must be alright to die?
I certainly don't think death is the end, life is too intreaging and deep to make death the end to a person.
But when is the end. I have though for a long while that earth is a mixture of heaven, pergatory and hell and that eventually you will become a star that will watch over and guide those on earth, bringing comfort and happiness. But surly even when someone is a star there has to be more to life. we all have the ability to do and be so much, yet we are all equal in God's eyes. So when someone 'dies' does it council out all the wronge we have done in life? That whatever we do in this life has no effect once we have died? - I don't and will not think that death is the end to everything and that by death and being with God in 'heaven' we have a new start. we have worked so hard in life to get to where we want to be. where we think God want's us to be.
I have also often thought that if I killed myself, would that mean i would be joined with my baby Harry? If so then why don't i choose to kill myslef? My love for Harry is so stronge that surly i would choose that way if it means me being with him. But why don't I? that is something I can not answer. I don't know the answer, and i don't know how to begin the thought process behind it. This does not only apply to me though. People lose someone special to them and yet go on living. Why do we all have this desire to go on living even though terrible things take place in our live? we all carry on living.