I need to scream, I need to shout, but more than anything I need a hug and a cry.
I am going for so long without a rest, just a simple relax where I can cry and say about how I am actually feeling inside.
On the outside I seem this happy, laughing girl, enjoying the world she is in, not wanting the day to end. Loving every moment that God gives to me. In a way I am, but not happy, not settled with the way things are.
I ofen let things pile on top of me, seeming as I don't care, that it does'nt matter. Like i'm ivisable. but i'm not, I am here, I am a person and am interesting, don't egnor me.
I don't know how it is, but for a few weeks now I can feel everything adding to the pile of things trying to drag me under the sea.
I think it is more to with school, it is only when I am back that people do treat me as if I am a person and matter.
I don't want to be egnored. I do count. Why can't people see that?
At college I can feel everything building up and I think 'just one more thing and ...' but one more thing happens and I prevent my self from responding, i'm not going to lose my temper, im not going to respond in the way I want to.
I walk anywhere at school and no one notices you, not even the people in my forms or classes. Everybody pushes past me. On the stairs everyone pushes me, no one leaves the door open or says thankyou. You are compleatly shut out. I am not allowed in their world at all . They don't care about little me trying to find my way around, only a few friends, looked at as if im a freaky geek.
I don't even matter in lessons. I try so so hard to do my best, all my homework is done, I concentrate because I want to make something of myself. Yet whatever work we are set to do on our own there is a girl who sits by me and copies everything word by word, doesnt do any homework, just copys what I do word by word. Highlighting is no differnt, word by word the same as mine. I make notes while he is talking on my sheets to help me when I come to need infomation later and they are the same notes in the same places. I understand that she is dyslexic and I know how it feels (not that bad actually, I never minded.) She is always asking me to do this and that for her, but I can't say no, I can't egnor her. I can't do anything at all. I just want to scream. I want to let my anger lose. I want to cry!
Same on the bus, people kicking me, fiddling with my hoods, pushing me out the way, stearming at me. What the hell is wronge with me? I wish someone would just tell me.
At home instead of letting these feelings out and asking for a hug, I just keep myself busy. It's only when I sit down that I realise that I am going to pop, it's just a matter of time. Some little obsesions started coming back today - stress starts it off, but I know if I carry on being stressed they will get worse and worse again.
I can't even explain how I feeling. I don't know how.
Maybe it will just pass without letting of steam. Maybe
7 comments:
Hope you're feeling better today, Em!
I feel great today thenkyou. I took little Spex on a walk in the gargen, she loved it. As soon as I got nearer to the road she started to shake so I turned back. She is gorgeous. How is Paws?
Dear Em,
This post quite upset me to think that you are so upset and that you think that people think you're not a person and that you don't matter in this world.
Let me tell you, you are not invisible, you are a person, you do matter and count in this world and you are VERY VERY intersting.
We will never ignore you. Your fellow "Runwayers" have definately noticed you and think you're great. They would love to spend more time with you.
About school - maybe you should respond, certainly to those who you know are copying from you. I don't mean to shout or scream, but to let your feelings be known to those who will listen. I think you should definately ask to be moved from the girl who copies, for her sake as much as yours. Tell your teacher or maybe ask Andy how to go about it.
I know my boys have had problems with that in the past and it is easily sorted.
I think you should also tell your Dad how you feel on bad days. He can't help if he doesn't know. If he asks you how your day's gone, tell him the truth. Talking always helps. He sounds from you like a lovely dad who would love to help you.
I have always said to my boys that we will never get on with everyone who we go to school with or work with etc, but we do have to learn to tolerate them. It's hard I know, but that's just life and be thankful that you are lovely and not like them.
I also tell them that they only really need a small group of true friends that they can trust, love and confide in. That may be parents, older people or people the same age, it doesn't matter really.
You are a beautiful girl on the outside and on the inside. Be proud of yourself Em and don't let others get you down.
You have lots of people on your side, but most of all, you have God on your side.
I know you will succeed in life.
Sorry to go on, but hope this helps.
Let me know if you are interested in getting involved with our North St youth group. We're off to Middlewich next Friday for a youth event. Our band are playing. I feel sure you'd enjoy it.
Much love
XX
I am interested. Just let me know and if I don't have any prier arengments I will come.
Isn't Mandy great, Em? A brilliant friend to have met and a very loving person.
I'm so glad you're feeling better, and Spex enjoyed her little walk in the garden. Cute!
Paws is very happy as we had salmon for tea tonight and he got a bit. Kitty's back to her normal self too, which is a relief. :o) Saw her grandparents today and was all smiles and giggles.
I compleatly agree,but then so are you, I am so glad to of met you both.
I compleatly agree,but then so are you, I am so glad to of met you both.
Post a Comment