Remember me

I miss Pru more than ever now, I frind myself constantly talking about her and always thinking about her and what she would be doing now.
When I was suffering from my poroblem and Harry and Pru were alive, everymorning when I left the house I had to say 'bye Harry, love you... Bye Pru, love you'. This would put my over active mind at rest untill I came home each night. By doing this it kept them safe, death could not touch them, nothing could harm them. They would not get upset or miss me for I kept them safe from these few words. I realise now that they are both gone and my words can not effect them. I love them dearly and anyone who knows me knows that. My walls of my room are full of pictures of them. I may be obsessive about them, but that's who I am.
To tell the truth I idolise them. A idol is someone or something you put before God and how can I not. I love them with all me heart, I would die for them - although I know they would never want that of me. I think God knows that I put them before him, and i know that this is wronge. Maybe God wanted me to see and so thats why they are both gone, but even after death I idolise them. I could not posiably image them not being the biggest part of me.

Talent

In the meeting place, which is a place for christians to meet every Friday lunch time at school. We were talking about talents. We were all asked to discuss what we thought our talents were. Listening around the rooms I caould here people expressing 'I'm good at singing... dancing...football...attractive.' At this moment I was talking to the leader of the group and sort of blurted out, as I do, that I think we all have a talent, that we are all special in the eyes of God. That my talent was being me, and my personality.' I had to repeat this to the group with in a way made me nervous but them I was just stating my oppinion and so didnt mind. Faces sort of lit up as to say 'oh yeah, i never thought about that'.

If you think about it though what makes a talent in the sense of being a good singer... It's being better than other people, and so we need other people to succeed and therefor we work together with other people.

Where to go next

I think I am a bit of a organisation freak. I'm in the first term of lower sixth and am already trying to frind what university to attend in 2 years. I know exactly what i want to do with my life, and the way I intend to go about doing it, what course I want to do.

I have always wanted to know what I am doing whether it be in the next 2 minutes, or the next week or the naxt year. I like to have a scendual.

I've been concentrating of finding a university that I can attend. I searched from London to Scotland, and am still looking. All the universitys I have looked at, the courses all have something wronge. I though of maybe doing a straight acting course at Rada or Lamda or the guildhall but then I'm not sure if that is for me - let lone getting a place.

Well I'm still on the search, but when I find what I want to do, I'll know.

out and about

There is somthing... special, about getting ready and going out at night, it is enjoyable. I have more fun looking forward and getting ready to go out than I do when Im actually out.

However there are occasions. Like this one, I was so exited meeting my friends finding out there plans for the new academic year and seeing how they did in their GCSE's that I didnt really care about getting ready. I just wanted to be with my friends.

This was the last time I was with the year. We all went to Frankie and Benny's on the night we recived our GCSE's, wmotions were flowing high, not because of what marks we got but because for the whole summer we had not seen each other, it was so exiting.

I love the feeling of being pretty, when you get dressed up, put make-up on, do your hair, I feel pretty, that no one in the world can put me down.

I use to get dressed up at least once a week when I was about 14 to go to the local youth group... get drunk... walk in town in tiny clothes - typical of me at that time. So it became not special. I wore make-up contantly and so people bagan to know that face, I could not do anything more special. But now it's all different, I like to think i've matured.

I do miss going out, like I said that was the last time, in the summer. All my new friends at college don't go out at night, so nor do I. They are great people though and I prefer to be friends with them than with the people who do go out getting drunk, drugs... (I don't think those people like me anyway, im to different 'odd' to them).

lets go

Running up and down the stairs, get a quick drink in before you leave the house, a quick kiss from Spex, well maybe a few and your out of the house on you way, ready for whatever lies ahead in that day. Whos knows? Isnt that exiting? that you never know what may happen.

Everything is so busy and hetic. And I love it, everything is to a scendual, get up - when im awoken by 'MIIIILLLLL, need to get up', out the door when the clock crows, on the bus - 8.10, get to school 8.30, lessons, 9.00. Everything is a scendual, that I stick to. One move wronge and it can turn the whole day upside down, and that can be a domino effect on the rest of the week.

In my scendual I have Wednesday afternoons free, to myself (and Spex) where I can do what I want,mostly homework. But today I decided to pop to the chip shop for lunch, then fell asleep on the minascual sofa untill I awoke up cold and realiseing that my mouth was leaking (slobber patch). I didnt have a scedual this afternoon, and in a way that felt good, I was not expected to do anything and pople didnt expect anything of me. I am free to do what I wish. The main thing I love about these afternoons thought is the time I can spend with Spex, just watching her run, have a cuddle, and see how she appriciates the attension. She fills the afternoons with love.

I like having my life on a rota, knowing what I am doing the next day, but also having the freesdom for a occasional rest.

HIGH

I am on such a big high at the moment, that it feels that nothing will or could bring me down. Everything is settling down and I think I am actually beginning to find where I belong and how I find in the world.

Yes, many not so good things have happened in my life, but these are the things that make me the person I am molding into. Every sad time and every happy time has a effect upon the person I am. Everyday I am evolving and every experience is a lesson in some way.

I now have a group of friends, only a few friends, but friends never the less. People are finally starting to get to know me. Know my capabilitys, my habbits, my humor, thing that I allow them to. Some people just know my name, but at least they know that, what a start. The other day I was walking through the corridor and a person said 'that's that Emily girl', and I don't know what they meant by that but It gave me a smile that people actually recognised me, wether it be from the bus or drama, it brought a smile to my cheeks.

It is not just at school I am starting to feel accepted, it is in my home town, people recognise me and recognise them. I have the most amazing neighbours I could wish for across the road.

I could not wish for anything else.

xxx

Trapped

On the telly at the momet is a program on people in prison with mental problems.

It shows their everyday lifes, what it consits of and how people are treated and how they recover from a variety of problems.

It really got me thinking about myself and my own state of mind earlier this year and last year.

It was not untill more than half a year after seeing a pysciatrist that I was actually diagnosed with ocd. They had for all this time passed it off as depression.

When I was at my worst with ocd, I was really bad and looking back upon it gives me determination not to let myself deteriate to that level of thinking again. Of couse like most things it is easier said than done. I can see myself struggling with this battle for years to come.

This illness is so much more complex and confussing in many aspects for anyone to understand.

If I had not had the support and love I had through my bad times from familys and friends I think that I may be in the peoples position that I watching on the telly, not in prison but in mental institution. I was uncontrolable and resulted to many ways of releasing my anger and relaxing myself.

Anyone who has suffered from depression will know how frustrating it is that no matter how much you try or any one else trys you can not be content, you are always drained and somethimes feel very emotional or have no emotion what so ever. You never know what will happen apart from knowing that the days lying ahead of you are full of unbearable sadness. I had ocd on top of these already outlined feelings.

There were some moments throught everything that I really thought that I would be put into a institution, that there was no help out for me.

Seeing these people on TV, is actually reliefing in the way that I can relate to their feeling and emotions. Most aspects I can understand. There is a person who thinks he is the light of the earth, and I understand where he is coming from. I understand everything they are expressing.

Im glad that when I experienced all what they are now I had help on hand, guidence and support. What is there for them? Life must be so unbearable

Bonds

There is something about sisterhood that bonds you together, and no matter how you try to repell you can't.

I have a 20 year old sister who is at uni and has recently got ingaged. I have not seen her properly in more that 2 years, ever since she left for Uni. Before she went we were ever so close, she would cook my food, walk me to school, do everything a mum should do. A few years before that we use to hate each other with a passion most of the time, well that is how I use to feel about her, but minutes later we would be closer than ever again. I use to kick her and she use to pick me up by the neck. We would spit at her and call each other names, licking out tongues, everything.

It was not until a few years ago that everything changed, we still had the occasional fall out but nothing came between me and my sister. I think one of the main changing points was my sister being a mother figue in a way. However just as that occured she bacame very ill, she suffered and may still be suffering from anorexia and bulimia, im not sure which one any more. I know that she would hate to see this as she denys everything to her family, doesnt let anyone close to her about it and wont allow any help from us. I think she was reluctant to accept it herself.

Everything suddenly changed from that moment.

I remember sitting downstairs and listening to her in the bathroom throwing up, it would make my mum angry and that was what upset me, my mums anger. Afterwards she would go to our bedroom, she looked so drained. Mum had a boyfriend then, I can't remember his name as there have been so many. But one day I came across something my sister had written down, it made me really upset to read it, she was wishing that mum would pay some attension to her and help her out rather than being self consumed in whatever boyfriend she had. I really felt for my sister. I should of told her how pretty she was on the inside and how it doesnt matter about the outside.

She use to be a size 16 so you can image, but she was happy, I should of complimeted her now and again... but i didnt, instead I told her that she was fat and a boy. She use to wear baggy clothes... I was only in junior school at this point though

As I grew up the comments did settle, but I was vile. I can't stop thinking that part of it was down to me.

I can't remember when she was normal size, she went from being this big sister to this tiny fragile girl in the period of a night. She is a bit like me everything is to the extream.

Now although her illness has come between us, and in each others presence none of us dears mention a word about anything along those lines. We have such a stronge bond.

Although my sister is so beutiful, and has changed her life around, which I am in the process of doing. I can not help but think 'is she happy?' I know that her boyfriend makes her happy and I am so greatful that she has found someone who see's her inner beuty. But she never put the weight back on. Is she still struggling along. It has been 5 years now. To me she still looks this fragile little girl who needs a hug, but when you hug her boned stick out. I love her no matter what, no matter she looks like. Besides for me it is a bit like looking in a mirror. I do love her so and admire everything about her. I don't want her to struggle.

Whenever it comes to clothes or anything she always gives me her old colthes that she doesnt wear any more, and they are rather tight. She always says that I am a skinny milly and tiny and thin... that in a way makes me feel bad, Im not to sure as to why, in a way I feel guilty as I can eat as much as anyone and be this tiny person. But somethimes when I look at her, I see me, her hair... certain things and she is the same size as me, looks skinnier thought and is a lot prettier, but we, in my eyes are so simular. We have a outer and inner bond, that will not be demolished. No one will no longer pull us apart from one another.

Outside and beyond

I awoke this morning to come down the stairs and find a 'BIG CAT' as I think she now see's herself now.

When she was a few weeks old we brought her a little collor, at that time though it was massive and dragged on the floor under her.

Today was the first time it fitted her, she looked so grown up. Gill had decided to put Pru's barrol on it (keeps the address in), although it was empty she thought Spex may like it close to her to remind her of her mum.

I sat on the stairs in my jarmers, greasy hair and with a hidious face. Spex climed the beam and clambered onto my knee as if to say 'Look at me, Im a big girl' which she certainly seemed to be.

Somehow in the space of night she had changed, grown up. It brought a tear to my eye, as I was happy for her. Although where had her little innocence gone? She has grown so fast. I was so proud of her.

As a joint decision we decided that she could go and play outside. We were sure that she would not go near the road as it terrifies her, she doesnt go past the brick wall in the frount garden. (lucky).

Seeing her run up and down the garden, up the tree and down again on the shead and off it, there was no place in the garden near the house she has not seen. She was so happy, as if she had been working up for this moment for her whole life. She is a open spirit.

Pru was the same when she went out, it was amazing to see and from that moment we could see that you could not hold her back. She wanted to part of the world.

Spex is so much like her mum in many ways and I dont intend to keep that part locked away in the fear of death. Pru died doing what she loves doing, being free.

I do have worries on Spex's behalf however Spex is more alert when it comes to roads. Take her to the top of the road and she shakes with fright.

She is now weary and sleeping it all off in her igglu bed, still walking around the house when ever she wakes up showing us who is in charge. Showing that she is a 'big girl'