Smile it will make people wonder what's happened

I agree that everything happenes for a reason, everything has a reason behind it, and where would we be without the choices we have made. I feel that we all make the right choices and are led by God in making them and these choices whether they be good or bad, they are a lesson. Mistakes are experience, but why a mistake? Surly we chose to do something for a reason and it just flopped and went wronge? I think people have different oppinions on everything and this is just mine 'Everything has a reason behind it' - in my life I can see now looking back and in the present the meanings. Although often we can't see it a bit of contemplation you may be able to. It's an acceptance of we are what we are.

I've made some harsh dicisions in my life but they have all come to something possitive in the end, i've learnt from them, im a stonger person, there is more depth and understanding to me now, to the life I lead.

Do we always need to show confidence in yourself? I've tended lately at college to always wear a smile, but im wearing it, it doesnt mean I mean it, inside I feel completly different but in a lot of cituations first impressions count. If you have gloomy face surly someone will say something and I dont have the inner confidence to respond. But with a smile you can cheer someone up, and pass the confruntation from those who notice, afterall there is a saying that goes 'shout and everyone can here you, whisper and those close can here you, say nothing and only your friends can here you' of course I am taking this metaohorically - you dont need to show your emotion or feelings, those you can trust and love can recognise without any indication when all is not well.

When I get emotional either over happy or sad I can find contentment in the things I have - my family, and who said family has to be related?

Remember me

I miss Pru more than ever now, I frind myself constantly talking about her and always thinking about her and what she would be doing now.
When I was suffering from my poroblem and Harry and Pru were alive, everymorning when I left the house I had to say 'bye Harry, love you... Bye Pru, love you'. This would put my over active mind at rest untill I came home each night. By doing this it kept them safe, death could not touch them, nothing could harm them. They would not get upset or miss me for I kept them safe from these few words. I realise now that they are both gone and my words can not effect them. I love them dearly and anyone who knows me knows that. My walls of my room are full of pictures of them. I may be obsessive about them, but that's who I am.
To tell the truth I idolise them. A idol is someone or something you put before God and how can I not. I love them with all me heart, I would die for them - although I know they would never want that of me. I think God knows that I put them before him, and i know that this is wronge. Maybe God wanted me to see and so thats why they are both gone, but even after death I idolise them. I could not posiably image them not being the biggest part of me.

Talent

In the meeting place, which is a place for christians to meet every Friday lunch time at school. We were talking about talents. We were all asked to discuss what we thought our talents were. Listening around the rooms I caould here people expressing 'I'm good at singing... dancing...football...attractive.' At this moment I was talking to the leader of the group and sort of blurted out, as I do, that I think we all have a talent, that we are all special in the eyes of God. That my talent was being me, and my personality.' I had to repeat this to the group with in a way made me nervous but them I was just stating my oppinion and so didnt mind. Faces sort of lit up as to say 'oh yeah, i never thought about that'.

If you think about it though what makes a talent in the sense of being a good singer... It's being better than other people, and so we need other people to succeed and therefor we work together with other people.

Where to go next

I think I am a bit of a organisation freak. I'm in the first term of lower sixth and am already trying to frind what university to attend in 2 years. I know exactly what i want to do with my life, and the way I intend to go about doing it, what course I want to do.

I have always wanted to know what I am doing whether it be in the next 2 minutes, or the next week or the naxt year. I like to have a scendual.

I've been concentrating of finding a university that I can attend. I searched from London to Scotland, and am still looking. All the universitys I have looked at, the courses all have something wronge. I though of maybe doing a straight acting course at Rada or Lamda or the guildhall but then I'm not sure if that is for me - let lone getting a place.

Well I'm still on the search, but when I find what I want to do, I'll know.

out and about

There is somthing... special, about getting ready and going out at night, it is enjoyable. I have more fun looking forward and getting ready to go out than I do when Im actually out.

However there are occasions. Like this one, I was so exited meeting my friends finding out there plans for the new academic year and seeing how they did in their GCSE's that I didnt really care about getting ready. I just wanted to be with my friends.

This was the last time I was with the year. We all went to Frankie and Benny's on the night we recived our GCSE's, wmotions were flowing high, not because of what marks we got but because for the whole summer we had not seen each other, it was so exiting.

I love the feeling of being pretty, when you get dressed up, put make-up on, do your hair, I feel pretty, that no one in the world can put me down.

I use to get dressed up at least once a week when I was about 14 to go to the local youth group... get drunk... walk in town in tiny clothes - typical of me at that time. So it became not special. I wore make-up contantly and so people bagan to know that face, I could not do anything more special. But now it's all different, I like to think i've matured.

I do miss going out, like I said that was the last time, in the summer. All my new friends at college don't go out at night, so nor do I. They are great people though and I prefer to be friends with them than with the people who do go out getting drunk, drugs... (I don't think those people like me anyway, im to different 'odd' to them).

lets go

Running up and down the stairs, get a quick drink in before you leave the house, a quick kiss from Spex, well maybe a few and your out of the house on you way, ready for whatever lies ahead in that day. Whos knows? Isnt that exiting? that you never know what may happen.

Everything is so busy and hetic. And I love it, everything is to a scendual, get up - when im awoken by 'MIIIILLLLL, need to get up', out the door when the clock crows, on the bus - 8.10, get to school 8.30, lessons, 9.00. Everything is a scendual, that I stick to. One move wronge and it can turn the whole day upside down, and that can be a domino effect on the rest of the week.

In my scendual I have Wednesday afternoons free, to myself (and Spex) where I can do what I want,mostly homework. But today I decided to pop to the chip shop for lunch, then fell asleep on the minascual sofa untill I awoke up cold and realiseing that my mouth was leaking (slobber patch). I didnt have a scedual this afternoon, and in a way that felt good, I was not expected to do anything and pople didnt expect anything of me. I am free to do what I wish. The main thing I love about these afternoons thought is the time I can spend with Spex, just watching her run, have a cuddle, and see how she appriciates the attension. She fills the afternoons with love.

I like having my life on a rota, knowing what I am doing the next day, but also having the freesdom for a occasional rest.

HIGH

I am on such a big high at the moment, that it feels that nothing will or could bring me down. Everything is settling down and I think I am actually beginning to find where I belong and how I find in the world.

Yes, many not so good things have happened in my life, but these are the things that make me the person I am molding into. Every sad time and every happy time has a effect upon the person I am. Everyday I am evolving and every experience is a lesson in some way.

I now have a group of friends, only a few friends, but friends never the less. People are finally starting to get to know me. Know my capabilitys, my habbits, my humor, thing that I allow them to. Some people just know my name, but at least they know that, what a start. The other day I was walking through the corridor and a person said 'that's that Emily girl', and I don't know what they meant by that but It gave me a smile that people actually recognised me, wether it be from the bus or drama, it brought a smile to my cheeks.

It is not just at school I am starting to feel accepted, it is in my home town, people recognise me and recognise them. I have the most amazing neighbours I could wish for across the road.

I could not wish for anything else.

xxx