Bonds

There is something about sisterhood that bonds you together, and no matter how you try to repell you can't.

I have a 20 year old sister who is at uni and has recently got ingaged. I have not seen her properly in more that 2 years, ever since she left for Uni. Before she went we were ever so close, she would cook my food, walk me to school, do everything a mum should do. A few years before that we use to hate each other with a passion most of the time, well that is how I use to feel about her, but minutes later we would be closer than ever again. I use to kick her and she use to pick me up by the neck. We would spit at her and call each other names, licking out tongues, everything.

It was not until a few years ago that everything changed, we still had the occasional fall out but nothing came between me and my sister. I think one of the main changing points was my sister being a mother figue in a way. However just as that occured she bacame very ill, she suffered and may still be suffering from anorexia and bulimia, im not sure which one any more. I know that she would hate to see this as she denys everything to her family, doesnt let anyone close to her about it and wont allow any help from us. I think she was reluctant to accept it herself.

Everything suddenly changed from that moment.

I remember sitting downstairs and listening to her in the bathroom throwing up, it would make my mum angry and that was what upset me, my mums anger. Afterwards she would go to our bedroom, she looked so drained. Mum had a boyfriend then, I can't remember his name as there have been so many. But one day I came across something my sister had written down, it made me really upset to read it, she was wishing that mum would pay some attension to her and help her out rather than being self consumed in whatever boyfriend she had. I really felt for my sister. I should of told her how pretty she was on the inside and how it doesnt matter about the outside.

She use to be a size 16 so you can image, but she was happy, I should of complimeted her now and again... but i didnt, instead I told her that she was fat and a boy. She use to wear baggy clothes... I was only in junior school at this point though

As I grew up the comments did settle, but I was vile. I can't stop thinking that part of it was down to me.

I can't remember when she was normal size, she went from being this big sister to this tiny fragile girl in the period of a night. She is a bit like me everything is to the extream.

Now although her illness has come between us, and in each others presence none of us dears mention a word about anything along those lines. We have such a stronge bond.

Although my sister is so beutiful, and has changed her life around, which I am in the process of doing. I can not help but think 'is she happy?' I know that her boyfriend makes her happy and I am so greatful that she has found someone who see's her inner beuty. But she never put the weight back on. Is she still struggling along. It has been 5 years now. To me she still looks this fragile little girl who needs a hug, but when you hug her boned stick out. I love her no matter what, no matter she looks like. Besides for me it is a bit like looking in a mirror. I do love her so and admire everything about her. I don't want her to struggle.

Whenever it comes to clothes or anything she always gives me her old colthes that she doesnt wear any more, and they are rather tight. She always says that I am a skinny milly and tiny and thin... that in a way makes me feel bad, Im not to sure as to why, in a way I feel guilty as I can eat as much as anyone and be this tiny person. But somethimes when I look at her, I see me, her hair... certain things and she is the same size as me, looks skinnier thought and is a lot prettier, but we, in my eyes are so simular. We have a outer and inner bond, that will not be demolished. No one will no longer pull us apart from one another.