Trapped

On the telly at the momet is a program on people in prison with mental problems.

It shows their everyday lifes, what it consits of and how people are treated and how they recover from a variety of problems.

It really got me thinking about myself and my own state of mind earlier this year and last year.

It was not untill more than half a year after seeing a pysciatrist that I was actually diagnosed with ocd. They had for all this time passed it off as depression.

When I was at my worst with ocd, I was really bad and looking back upon it gives me determination not to let myself deteriate to that level of thinking again. Of couse like most things it is easier said than done. I can see myself struggling with this battle for years to come.

This illness is so much more complex and confussing in many aspects for anyone to understand.

If I had not had the support and love I had through my bad times from familys and friends I think that I may be in the peoples position that I watching on the telly, not in prison but in mental institution. I was uncontrolable and resulted to many ways of releasing my anger and relaxing myself.

Anyone who has suffered from depression will know how frustrating it is that no matter how much you try or any one else trys you can not be content, you are always drained and somethimes feel very emotional or have no emotion what so ever. You never know what will happen apart from knowing that the days lying ahead of you are full of unbearable sadness. I had ocd on top of these already outlined feelings.

There were some moments throught everything that I really thought that I would be put into a institution, that there was no help out for me.

Seeing these people on TV, is actually reliefing in the way that I can relate to their feeling and emotions. Most aspects I can understand. There is a person who thinks he is the light of the earth, and I understand where he is coming from. I understand everything they are expressing.

Im glad that when I experienced all what they are now I had help on hand, guidence and support. What is there for them? Life must be so unbearable

Bonds

There is something about sisterhood that bonds you together, and no matter how you try to repell you can't.

I have a 20 year old sister who is at uni and has recently got ingaged. I have not seen her properly in more that 2 years, ever since she left for Uni. Before she went we were ever so close, she would cook my food, walk me to school, do everything a mum should do. A few years before that we use to hate each other with a passion most of the time, well that is how I use to feel about her, but minutes later we would be closer than ever again. I use to kick her and she use to pick me up by the neck. We would spit at her and call each other names, licking out tongues, everything.

It was not until a few years ago that everything changed, we still had the occasional fall out but nothing came between me and my sister. I think one of the main changing points was my sister being a mother figue in a way. However just as that occured she bacame very ill, she suffered and may still be suffering from anorexia and bulimia, im not sure which one any more. I know that she would hate to see this as she denys everything to her family, doesnt let anyone close to her about it and wont allow any help from us. I think she was reluctant to accept it herself.

Everything suddenly changed from that moment.

I remember sitting downstairs and listening to her in the bathroom throwing up, it would make my mum angry and that was what upset me, my mums anger. Afterwards she would go to our bedroom, she looked so drained. Mum had a boyfriend then, I can't remember his name as there have been so many. But one day I came across something my sister had written down, it made me really upset to read it, she was wishing that mum would pay some attension to her and help her out rather than being self consumed in whatever boyfriend she had. I really felt for my sister. I should of told her how pretty she was on the inside and how it doesnt matter about the outside.

She use to be a size 16 so you can image, but she was happy, I should of complimeted her now and again... but i didnt, instead I told her that she was fat and a boy. She use to wear baggy clothes... I was only in junior school at this point though

As I grew up the comments did settle, but I was vile. I can't stop thinking that part of it was down to me.

I can't remember when she was normal size, she went from being this big sister to this tiny fragile girl in the period of a night. She is a bit like me everything is to the extream.

Now although her illness has come between us, and in each others presence none of us dears mention a word about anything along those lines. We have such a stronge bond.

Although my sister is so beutiful, and has changed her life around, which I am in the process of doing. I can not help but think 'is she happy?' I know that her boyfriend makes her happy and I am so greatful that she has found someone who see's her inner beuty. But she never put the weight back on. Is she still struggling along. It has been 5 years now. To me she still looks this fragile little girl who needs a hug, but when you hug her boned stick out. I love her no matter what, no matter she looks like. Besides for me it is a bit like looking in a mirror. I do love her so and admire everything about her. I don't want her to struggle.

Whenever it comes to clothes or anything she always gives me her old colthes that she doesnt wear any more, and they are rather tight. She always says that I am a skinny milly and tiny and thin... that in a way makes me feel bad, Im not to sure as to why, in a way I feel guilty as I can eat as much as anyone and be this tiny person. But somethimes when I look at her, I see me, her hair... certain things and she is the same size as me, looks skinnier thought and is a lot prettier, but we, in my eyes are so simular. We have a outer and inner bond, that will not be demolished. No one will no longer pull us apart from one another.

Outside and beyond

I awoke this morning to come down the stairs and find a 'BIG CAT' as I think she now see's herself now.

When she was a few weeks old we brought her a little collor, at that time though it was massive and dragged on the floor under her.

Today was the first time it fitted her, she looked so grown up. Gill had decided to put Pru's barrol on it (keeps the address in), although it was empty she thought Spex may like it close to her to remind her of her mum.

I sat on the stairs in my jarmers, greasy hair and with a hidious face. Spex climed the beam and clambered onto my knee as if to say 'Look at me, Im a big girl' which she certainly seemed to be.

Somehow in the space of night she had changed, grown up. It brought a tear to my eye, as I was happy for her. Although where had her little innocence gone? She has grown so fast. I was so proud of her.

As a joint decision we decided that she could go and play outside. We were sure that she would not go near the road as it terrifies her, she doesnt go past the brick wall in the frount garden. (lucky).

Seeing her run up and down the garden, up the tree and down again on the shead and off it, there was no place in the garden near the house she has not seen. She was so happy, as if she had been working up for this moment for her whole life. She is a open spirit.

Pru was the same when she went out, it was amazing to see and from that moment we could see that you could not hold her back. She wanted to part of the world.

Spex is so much like her mum in many ways and I dont intend to keep that part locked away in the fear of death. Pru died doing what she loves doing, being free.

I do have worries on Spex's behalf however Spex is more alert when it comes to roads. Take her to the top of the road and she shakes with fright.

She is now weary and sleeping it all off in her igglu bed, still walking around the house when ever she wakes up showing us who is in charge. Showing that she is a 'big girl'

Life carrys on, there is no rewind

Speaking on msn to my friends from St Doms who the majority have also gone to differnt places, a variety of colleges around the area. I don't have any contact with them apart from msn and facebook which is a bit sad but I am determined for us all to meet up and go out for tea.
I was asking them all about college and how they were finding it and have they made friends with people. One of my friends who is attending Stafford college told me that she loved it. She had made so many new friends from college, and is always going out with them. She had already fallen out with people and got more friends from it.
My best friend also is loving it, made a lot of friends, been to house partys... (I went to one but didnt enjoy)
So what is going wrong with me? I have made a few friends, only one special friend which is really nice. Everyone else egnors me. I spend each break and lunch with the same people which is nice, these two boys with ginger hair really funny. We play chess all the time, we are like the rejects in a way. They don't seem to mind at all. But I do. Is it because I don't dress correctly and don't ware makeup so people think I am ugly and so don't bother to talk to me. I know that I don't have a boring personality and so if they only gave me chance they would see that I am beutiful on the inside. The outside appearence does not matter, they all seem to think so though.

I miss my friends who accepted me for who I was. Why can't others do so?

Companionship

Since Pru died, I have felt so lonely. Not much has influenced me to cheer up. She was my friend as well as my baby. She would comfort me and listen and even wash me now and again when I was dirty.

She is now with Harry though and that makes me happy for her and him, that they are together and waiting for me.

Although I still feel a bit lonely, I have her baby Spex. It wasnt until I came back from Wales that I realised how much attension she needs, she hates being on her own, loves visiters and the more attension the better according to her. Every day that i'm in the house on my own she wont leave me alone, if im on the laptop she is as well.

I had a bath this morning, well not early, I was about to jump in when I saw Suse with Kitty on a walk, so whatever time that was. I left the door open for Spex as usual, she sat on the side of the bath all the time until she decided to get off and chase her wet tail that had dangled in. I love Spex for who she is, this golden coloured tubby thing sitting on my knee at the moment watching me type words about her, and occasionaly contributing to the discussion.

I know that people think it's really odd how attached I get to a 'cat' as they see it. How they are my family and how much I love them. I noticed though that i'm not the only one, Suse loved Paws so much as well. Paws - a gorgeous big but little boy. Who has snow white long hair with a sprinkling of gray on the tips. She and Andy love him so much. He goes to cat school and cat church which so i am told is a place that Spex attends and is a first year. I shall ask Spex about how she enjoys it when she wakes up off my knee. I have never meet someone who undestands the attachment that I have with my babies and now Spex.

Inspiration...?

There are so many people we inspire to be.
There are three people in my life that inspire me compleatly.
In theatre studies the other day we were asked to draw a family tree. Not a real related family tree. We drew a tree with a single small apple in the middle.
On the outside of the tree we were asked to write down ten names of people that mean a lot to me. I chose ten, all for differnt reasons.
Inside the tree we had to narrow those names to five of the people who were influentaul. All the people I chose had influenced me in life for very differnt reasons. I will write them down becaue Like Suse said about her self I am a open book and don't mind.

Gill who helped me get better and to look after me over the last year. She really rescued me
Mrs Adamson who encouraged me through my school years and helped me show myself what I was capable of.
Suse who was there for me where I needed to someone, and is a great friend.
Tammy who is amazing has given me so many reasons to live for, so many words of encouragment and has helped me sort my life out when I just wanted to give in.
Ella who words cannot describe how (if you look up good in the theasaurus, she means them all to me). She has been through so much and I love her so much. She means the world to me, I would not be here without her. ( Im glad im here).

We then had to choose the two people we loved the most. I chose Gill and Ella, I have my reasons and I love them for complatly different reasons.
It was not until earlier today that I thought what bout God. Is he not inspirational to me? Why did his name not come to me when I was doing this exercise? He does so much for us all the time, his love is unconditional. Maybe I did not think of him because he is not a physical person. I am really don't know how I missed him out. God is my ultimate inspiration, I think. He inspires us to live, shows us that there is a heaven. But then people do as well. Ella did for me and she is not God. I don't think my intelegence has progressed enough for me to work out in my mind why I do and also do not inspire towards God.

Love

This afternoon, I had a bit of a downer after having a rather enjoyable morning with my dad and Gill in Nantwich in the rain. I spent all afternoon in bed looking at the wall stright infront of my eyes as I streared intregenly at the pictures I had earlier that week put on. There are two images of baby Pru, one straight after she had her kittens and one a few weeks later. Tears flooded to my eyes filling me with a deeper sorrow then I have felt before in my life. I don't know if my thoughts are beong selfish but now that she has gone I have no one, yeh I do have Spex, but if say a person close to you died, no one can replace there. Spex can not replace Pru. I stayed strearing untill I dropped of to sleep and the same when I awoke.

It was only when my nan coming over for dinner knocked on my door, comented on the layout of my room and how wonderful it was, looking at a little singing rocking horse teddy that she had got me when I was no more that a todler (played the same song as the toy I got Kitty).

That she sat on my bed and I just uncovered the covers tucked over my face that I sat up and weeped that I missed Pru. Suddenly a great weight lifted and I felt contented. I have my bible that I was presented when I left junior school by my bed and on top of that a 'Daily light for your daily path' book that Dad and Gill had brounght me from Chester. My nan being the only other religious person in my family read me the day today and I turned to the day that Pru died and read her it, it mentioned death what a coninsidence. I also turned and read the day of my birthday and that mentioned birth. It felt so lovely my nan reading to me something that meant so much to me, and me reading to her.

Now I look at those pictures on the wall with sheer delight and appriciation for the happiness Pru has bought me over the time she has had on earth.